


English is Full of Really Shitty Metaphors

by Weevilo707



Series: Davekat Week 2016 [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Davekat Week, Day 2, First Meetings, M/M, Pen Pals, cheesy aus, davekat - Freeform, davekatweek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-27
Updated: 2016-09-27
Packaged: 2018-08-17 13:37:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8146009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weevilo707/pseuds/Weevilo707
Summary: You knew you probably shouldn't stay on a planet mostly inhabited by trolls once you finished your adult pupation and your blood color became more apparent. You also knew that you should learn a couple of other languages so that your weren't floundering around like an idiot when you eventually did move. Talking to random aliens on the internet seemed like a really good way to practice.





	

It wasn’t something you ever planned. You’re not anywhere near smart enough to plan out something like this. You're just so fucking lucky you can't quite believe it. 

You guess you might have planned some of it though. You knew staying on a majority troll planet wouldn’t be a good idea once you went through your adult pupation and your blood color became much harder to hide. You’re not a complete fucking idiot either despite how you feel sometimes, so you knew you’d have to get schoolfed on a couple other languages besides Alternian.

There were a couple big ones you figured would be the most useful, Amestrian, English and such. The best way to learn how to have conversations in them was to actually talk to someone who spoke it. Watching movies could only get you so far. 

Talking to random shitty aliens online seemed like a good way to go about it at the time.

Most of them were nice enough, and as soon as they figured out whatever language you were practicing at the time was new to you they’d simplify the way they spoke to help you out.

Except for one.

This _one_ motherfucker who you swore was cranking up the strange metaphors and obscure as fuck slang just to piss you off.

It took for fucking ever to decipher what he was saying at first, and every time you thought you’d finally figured it out he went down some other weird ass tangent. You managed to parse a few things about him throughout the deluge of seemingly unrelated words. He’s a human from Earth, his name is Dave, he has a webcomic that is the bane of your existence.

As you slowly got better, the other people you’d talk to started dying off. You didn’t need the practice as much anymore and it turned out you didn’t have that much to talk about with the vast majority of them.

Somehow you just ended up talking to the one fucker more and more though.

It wasn’t as hard anymore. You could have actual conversations instead of taking twenty minutes to reply because you had to scour the internet trying to figure out what the fuck the phrase ‘it’s like pulling fucking teeth man, like I’ve become a shitty dentist and all of my patients have been eating nothing but pixie sticks and juicy juice for six months and not a single one of them floss and I’m yanking out more teeth than the goddamn tooth fairy’ means and how that has anything to do with trying to get his friend to help him with something.

Somehow once you got past all the bullshit, there was still something entertaining about talking to him.

TG: ya know youve gotten a lot better  
CG: A LOT BETTER AT WHAT?  
TG: you know talking and shit  
TG: no offense but you kind of sucked when we first started talking  
CG: NO SHIT I SUCKED, I WAS JUST LEARNING YOUR SHITTY LANGUAGE.  
CG: IT’S NOT LIKE YOU MADE IT EASY EITHER.  
TG: whats the point of making it easy bro you managed to figure it all out eventually  
CG: I HIGHLY DOUBT I FIGURED IT *ALL* OUT.  
CG: BUT I GUESS YOU HAVE A POINT.  
CG: I’VE LEARNED PROBABLY EVERY INANE METAPHOR YOUR LANGUAGE HAS TO OFFER THANKS TO YOU.  
TG: glad to be of service

You still aren’t entirely sure how you ended up talking to him for over two whole sweeps. Struggling to understand him had stopped a long as fuck time ago. You also might have developed a crush or three on him at some point. You haven’t completely screwed up and told him yet, because at least online you can control yourself a bit better.

Besides, you’ve kind of got other shit to worry about besides a dumb confusing crush on your best friend (holy shit, you guess it’s true though. At some point he became the closest person to you). You think you’re nearing your adult pupation. You can’t be entirely sure since you don’t have a solid idea on what age you pupate or even how long your lifespan is, but you figure you're nearing the ballpark.

You should move. You’ve been planning to move for a long time and you might have enough money saved up to get a _really shitty_ place, but you’re not picky. You just have no fucking idea where to go.

TG: whats up dude  
TG: youve been acting even more twitchy and annoyed than usual  
CG: WHAT? NO I HAVEN’T.  
TG: well shit youve heard it here folks karkat vantas is completely fine and dandy  
TG: nothing to worry about please return to your regularly scheduled programs  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
CG: I’VE JUST HAD A LOT ON MY PLATE LATELY, IT’S NOTHING.  
TG: then why don’t you scoop some onto mine im not doing shit  
TG: if its just a lot of nothing should be no problem sharing with the class  
CG: DO YOU HAVE TO RUN AWAY WITH YOUR METAPHORS EVERY GODDAMN TIME?  
TG: yes  
TG: and you do it too man dont lie  
CG: YEAH, YEAH WHATEVER.  
CG: IF YOU MUST KNOW I’VE JUST BEEN TRYING TO FIND A PLACE TO STAY.  
TG: whats wrong with the place you got now  
TG: you havent gone homeless without telling me have you  
CG: I HAVE NOT GONE HOMELESS.  
CG: MY HIVE IS PERFECTLY FINE. IT’S JUST BEST FOR ME TO LIVE ON A PLANET WITH LESS TROLLS.  
TG: wait i thought you were a troll  
TG: dude ive seen pictures of you  
CG: I AM A TROLL, HOLY SHIT.  
TG: then whats the problem with other trolls

You hesitate for a moment. You never actually considered telling him. He’s not a troll, so he’s never bothered you about your blood color like others might have after having known you for so long. You doubt it would bother him. You just never tell anyone if you can help it, so it extended to him too.

Something makes you want to do it. He shouldn’t care. You want to know if he would care though, and you also would just like to have someone to talk to about this.

CG: MY BLOOD COLOR’S FUCKED UP AND NOT ON THE HEMOSPECTRUM.  
CG: IT’LL PROBABLY BECOME REALLY NOTICEABLE SOON AND IF SOME PISSY HIGHBLOOD OR SEADWELLER SAW IT COULD, WELL.  
CG: I’D RATHER NOT RISK IT IS THE THING.  
TG: dude thats fucked up  
CG: WHAT?  
TG: you really think someone would attack you or whatever because your bloods like silver or something  
CG: MY BLOOD IS NOT SILVER HOLY SHIT.  
CG: IT’S RED, JUST NOT RUST RED LIKE IT SHOULD BE.  
CG: IT’S MORE LIKE HUMAN BLOOD.  
TG: okay but my question still stands  
CG: YES, I DO THINK SOMEONE WOULD ‘ATTACK ME OR WHATEVER’  
TG: thats bullshit  
TG: realistic bullshit  
TG: but still bullshit  
CG: THANK YOU FOR YOUR STUNNING EMPATHY.  
TG: not a problem  
TG: so you need somewhere to stay with fewer alien racists  
CG: IF YOU WANT TO SOUND LIKE A COMPLETE IDIOT, YES.  
TG: you could come to earth  
TG: i mean  
TG: if you want  
TG: theres not a lot of trolls around  
TG: and the ones i met are pretty cool they probably wont try to kill you  
CG: I MEAN, I’VE DEFINITELY CONSIDERED IT.  
CG: I COULD PROBABLY GET A REALLY SHITTY APARTMENT OR RENT A ROOM SOMEWHERE OR SOMETHING.  
CG: BECAUSE I DON’T THINK I’D HAVE THAT MUCH MONEY LEFT AFTER TRAVEL.  
TG: so like  
TG: im just throwing ideas out there you can totally shoot it down if youre not down  
TG: but ive kinda been wanting to get out of bros shitty apartment and get my own shitty apartment  
TG: could probably get something a little less shitty if i had a roommate  
TG: and you need a place to stay  
CG: UH.  
TG: its cool if you dont want to no big deal  
CG: NO THAT’S NOT IT.

You didn’t see it going like this at all. You’re trying to fight down the smile on your face and you can’t quite manage it.

CG: I THINK THAT COULD WORK REALLY WELL ACTUALLY.  
TG: what really  
CG: ONLY IF YOU WANT TO.  
TG: fuck yeah i want to  
CG: OKAY THEN.  
TG: awesome

Shit started happening really fucking fast after that. Dave would send you links to at least three different apartments a day for your opinion. Most of them were pretty fucking bad, but that’s to be expected in the price range you had.

He did manage a couple that seemed habitable though, and while you packed up your life Dave went to go check them out. He sent you a million pictures of each of them (about half of them selfies in every bathroom he could find) and it wasn’t long before you both managed to settle on one.

By the time you got a ticket for Earth Dave had managed to work a deal with the landlord. (You told him to wait so that you could help pay for shit, but you’ll just have to pay him back when you get there). You’d be able to move in as soon as you landed. Dave would have already been living there for a few days at least. It’s fucking mind boggling.

The trip to Earth was long and boring and you barely got to talk to Dave at all because the wifi was expensive as shit. Once you finally got there though it was a relatively short flight from the intergalactic station to the airport you told Dave to meet you at.

Now you’re just waiting for him.

You keep looking at your palmhusk, checking the time and if he’s gotten back to you yet. You sent him a message when you got to Earth, and another when you landed a few minutes ago. He hadn’t responded to either though and you’re starting to get worried.

It’s stupid, he wouldn’t have done all of the work he did if he didn’t want to live together. He wouldn’t have even suggested it. You can’t help but be worried that it was all some big hoax and now that you’re here Dave’s having second thoughts and wants nothing to do with you.

The relief that washes through you when your palmhusk buzzes is stupid, but you’re really glad for it.

TG: oh fuck dude im sorry im on my way now  
CG: IT’S FINE.  
CG: DID YOU OVERSLEEP OR SOMETHING?  
TG: no  
TG: just had to finish up some stuff  
CG: IF YOU SAY SO.  
TG: be there in like fifteen minutes

You find a spot outside of the front of the airport to wait. It’s different from Alternia, you can say that much. It’s bright out, and you know they say it’s safe for trolls in the Earth sun but you stick to the shade anyway. You look up from your palmhusk every so often to try to spot a blond human wearing dumb shades.

TG: okay im here dude where are you  
CG: SITTING UNDERNEATH AN AWNING NEAR THE FRONT.  
TG: okay stay right there

You stay where you are and it isn’t long before you recognize the person in the hundreds of thousands of selfies Dave’s sent you. He seems to notice you after a moment and lifts a hand up to wave casually.

“Hey,” you say when he gets close enough, and a large part of you can’t believe you’re actually here and that this is real. Holy shit this is happening.

“Sup dude. How were the flights?” he asks, and his voice isn’t quite what you expected it to be. Your other favorite way to learn English besides talking to Dave was by watching movies, and you’re pretty sure he has a southern accent. You guess you should have figured that from where he lives, but it just never occurred to you.

“Long and boring as fuck. Earth better work out because I’m not going through that again to go to some other planet if it sucks here,” you say. Dave gets this weird smile on his face and you can’t help but frown at him. “What’s with you?”

“Holy shit your accent is amazing,” he says and you didn’t expect that response at all.

“Fuck off, I’d like to see you try speak Alternian,” you snap, a bit embarrassed. He doesn’t seem bothered by it any, grabbing one of your bags from you and starting back through the parking lot. You follow after him, still excited to be here.

“Uh, I’ve actually been learning,” he says as he loads your bags into the back of his car.

“Wait, seriously?” you ask, and he nods. His face is tinted pink and you can see behind his shades that he’s not looking you in the eyes.

“Yeah, I thought it might be cool to learn if we’re gonna be living together and shit,” he explains. You get into the car, letting Dave drive you to the apartment. You’re pretty excited to see it in person for the first time.

“Can you say something?” you ask, pretty curious about how his weird blunt accent would sound trying to imitate Alternian.

 _“You’re even cuter in person,”_ he manages to mumble out, and the pronunciation is pretty bad, but you could understand him. Maybe. You think he might have said that by accident.

“Did someone teach you a bunch of pickup lines telling you they’re actual phrases?” you ask. His face is a little redder as he shakes his head.

“Nah, but that actually sounds hilarious. Don’t let me forget that I’m gonna use it on John,” he says, and you roll your eyes but nod.

“Yeah okay, I’ll make a note of it,” you tell him.

“Sweet,” he says. It’s quiet between you two as you drive, but it’s not awkward. You’re just taking in the sights as you drive, and it’s not a stunning place, but it’s nice. It doesn’t take long before you’re pulling up in front of an apartment complex and Dave parks the car. As you get out it still isn’t sinking it that this is real. Dave helps grab your bags and leads the way up to your apartment.

“Well, welcome home,” he says as he kicks the door open, and it’s still pretty empty. Dave didn’t have a lot of stuff to bring and neither do you, but you guess you’ll manage to fill it up together. “Uh, your room’s this way,” he adds, leading you back to your block.

It’s small, but Dave had sent you pictures and his is the same size. You set your bags down and look around and it’s still pretty shitty, but you can’t help but like it.

“And, um, here ya go,” Dave says fishing around in his pocket before pulling out a key chain. “To get inside and stuff,” he adds, and you roll your eyes as you take it. You’re pretty sure the fond look on your face doesn’t leave though.

“Yes Dave I know what a key is for,” you tell him. There’s a little charm hanging off of it, and it takes you a moment to realize it opens. A piece of paper falls to the ground when you do. You don’t have any idea what it is as you pick it up, but Dave looks nervous as fuck and you don’t understand what’s going on until you read the note on it.

Hey so you wanna go out?

You just look back at Dave once you read that, not expecting it at all. You’re kind of speechless. Dave is not, however.

“Uh so it’s cool if you don’t want to, I mean what the note says. I mean I just thought since you’re here and all it wouldn’t hurt to ask and now I’m thinking that it could have hurt because shit might be really awkward now and you might not want to stay here anymore, which is cool if that’s the case. You can leave if you want I don’t mind I mean I’d really like you to stay though I’ve been really excited about living together and it’d majorly suck if you left but if that’s what you want it’s fine don’t worry about it I promise it’s not a big deal I’m really fucking sorry if I screwed up already and I-”

“Dave,” you cut in, because holy fuck. He immediately shuts up, and you’re pretty sure you’ve got the same dumb smile on your face as when he suggested living together.

“Yeah?” he asks, still clearly nervous as fuck.

“I’d really like that,” you say and he looks surprised as fuck.

“Wait really?” he asks and you just sort of nod.

“I mean, only if you’re okay with it,” you say and the smile that flashes across his face is so fucking adorable.

“Holy _shit_ yeah I’m okay with it,” he says and you’re both just sort of standing there now and you don’t know what to do because you have no idea how this happened. You did not fucking plan for this to happen.

“Uh, so it okay if I kiss you now oooor?” Dave asks, and you can’t help but laugh a bit as you nod.

“Yeah, that’d be pretty nice,” you say. The kiss is short and sweet and you’re both still nervous jittery wrecks but it’s fucking perfect.

**Author's Note:**

> day two of davekat week done~ I always love penpal or internet friends AUs, so this was fun to write. Plus I think anyone that knows me by now knows that I have a thing for language barriers. 
> 
> As always, thanks for reading and please let me know what you think!!!


End file.
